All I could do was smile and shake my head. It was something I saw coming for a while, I just didn’t expect TODAY to be the day.
Like…literally. This just happened two hours ago. [Note: It is now a week ago since I forgot to post this]
The reason why I am writing about it two hours later is because I thought I was just a personal tap on the hand and I could write it in my journal. But the more I wrote it down, the more God revealed that this is something someone else needs to hear.
So here we go…
I’m a single parent. Have been for a while. Now I had to say that, not to loathe about the fact that I have been single now for nine years, eight months, three weeks, six days and counting. No. That’s not it at all (blank stare), but it’s so you can have a little background đ
His dad had just arrived to pick him up for a few hours and I had just opened the door. As I was instructing my son on some last minute chores, he spoke very casually.
“Hey Mom, I’ve noticed something about you. Whenever my dad comes to get me, or you see him or something, you get really serious. Like you stop smiling.”
Well…in the moment I stopped smiling. I felt caught.
My child, who can walk by all his toys on the floor and professionally ignore the dishes in the sink, noticed something I wasn’t fully aware that I do?? Ok.
Since his dad was at the door, I told him we’d pick the conversation back up at a different time. He left and I thought that was the end of it. But it wasn’t. It started to bother me.
Now I had questions and I knew I had to dig for answers. So here’s what I got:
First of all, and most important, I don’t want my ex.
It’s more about me missing my kid. Yes, I am that mom so get over it. As much as I know I need a break sometimes, I do miss my Beloved when he’s away. Deep down, there’s a comparison thing happening but there is not comparison between a mother and father. They are both necessary and unique.
Second thing: It’s a reminder for me to forgive.
It tears a piece of my heart when I hear my son express how he misses his dad because I know this is not the way God intended things to be. Whether it’s because of a divorce or in my case, two unmarried people having a child, it was never God’s intention for children to be raised by a single parent or in a split household.
Sometimes guilt tries to creep in. Other days tears are my only expression. Either way, I have to trust God like never before. I have to choose grace and love when accusations and disagreements try to surface. As a believer, it is my responsibility to walk as God is directing me regardless of where the other parent is in his walk to God. As much as I can get upset about certain things, there was a time when I wasn’t following God or care to follow Him. It’s not my place to sit as judge but to stand as an equal receiver of grace and love.
Lastly, it let’s me see fatherhood up close.
Unfortunately, we live in a society where a lot of adults don’t have a good picture of fatherhood because of a distant or absent parent. Mines was the latter. I had men in my life since I was a little girl, but none who poured into me as a father would. I walked around with hurts that weren’t dealt with because I blamed my absent dad and the men in my life for not giving me what I thought I needed. Truth is, they were dealing with their own voids and, in the case of my dad, he wasn’t absent by choice but manipulation and force.
I get to see what a ‘dad’ does with a kid. Of course all dads are different and express in their unique ways but seeing it up close is a different experience for me.
It reminds me of my mother standing in the delivery room with me when I was giving birth to my Beloved. She stood at the end of the table, where my left were spread wide, and watched my son come down the birthing canal. She didn’t flinch. She was in complete awe. It was something she hadn’t experienced in her two pregnancies because she had c-sections.
As irritated as I was (mainly because I was in pain and on drugs), I let her have her moment.
Most people go through life not even considering where someone else is coming from. They don’t give it a second thought. It’s not a matter of selfishness as much as it is a matter of ignorance.
People just don’t know. Especially now-a-days with a whole pandemic happening and different mandates keeping people away from one another.
There are so many conversations that need to be had. If we take the time to be open hearted and give a listening ear, so much healing can take place in our families and communities. Forgiveness is key, though.
Be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you
Ephesians 4:32
This was a more personal blog today, but I pray that healing takes place in your heart. If you know someone who is in need of this, please share. I really enjoy reading the testimonies and words of encouragement.
Love you,
Crystal
Crystal Writes 