Balloon

If your thoughts were a balloon, where would they carry you?

I think I’d be stuck in limbo

It’s hard to get carried away in a dream when reality likes to throw darts

The moment the tips of my toes leave the ground my heels get jealous and weigh me back down

But it’s really the air coming out

Forcing me to consider the things I missed and reinforce my hope

To remember to cover my desires in the source of my salvation

I don’t have the lung capacity to breathe and carry my dreams

But the One who exhales stars can send a breeze

Enough to whisk me away to my destiny

Sometimes…

Sometimes there’s an eerie comfort in the lies we tell ourselves
Kinda like a pair of jeans that fit too tight
But still…We wrestle against truth, where peace resides, because conflict is appealing
It’s much safer to fit in
Safer for our light to be blocked in at all sides

Until night becomes the ‘reliable’ friend

Have we forgotten that light is always ‘It’?
Even while darkness makes a feeble attempt to avoid being tagged
Such childish games we play.
The freedom of a breeze is more calming than the chaos created in trying to tame it
Forcing air into a tight spots just creates a storm
It’s better to take the chance of finding life outside our comfort
By being committed to Christ who calmed storms with His words and loves the way we are made

The Sun is Coming…

Sometimes it’s cloudy
And the sun peaks out just long enough
To see another storm brewing.
But that’s ok.
Because right now…
The leaves are open
And the grass is fuller
And the clouds look like fluffy pillows
That lull you to sweet dreams
Right now the kids are playing
With no care in the world
Sincerity is seen in the eyes of neighbors
And a small smile with a gentle nods
Means, “I’m with you.”
Storms come
The winds grow heavy
And sometimes rain drops hit hard
Like a crashing wave
But the Sun is coming
And that’s reason enough to smile

Smile For Me

Hey king
Can you smile for me?
Please?
I know these past few months have been crazy
This last week along has been a roller coaster ride
There is a fight ahead of us
It’s unavoidable
Lives are forever changed
I just need your smile to stay the same
I hear your heart crying out
I see the anguish in your stare
The frustration in your silence is loud and clear
But baby, please, I’m still here
I need you to be ok
I need to feel your embrace
Even if it’s a little tighter this time
I’ll do my best to hold you up
You may not see a reason, but you’re breathing
So rest now
Regain your strength
When it’s time to fight I’ll be there with you
If only for a second
Just smile for me

Motherly

I have a little boy
He’s intelligent and so full of light
I’d like to teach him to enjoy his life
Without my message being tinged with warning
I don’t know the right time to tell him
Another man with his complexion doesn’t get to see another morning
We live im a worldly system where one can obey and refuse to run
But the brown color of their skin will have them staring down the barrel of a gun
Where kneeling is only acceptable when it’s on the neck of another

This broken system has to change.

I can’t help that my thoughts are interrupted by yet another mam of color losing his life for no reason. The viciousness of the act is unnerving. I can’t watch the video. Knowing is enough.

Things have to change.
People. Have. To. Change.

Each one, one at a time.

George Floyd, rest with the Father.

The Unexpected: A Quarantine Love Story Pt. 4

maskpicDay 28

Why fight something you really want?

A question that was being played over a thousand times in Michelle’s mind.

Carl Bell, or ‘Daddy Bear’ as she affectionately called him, was known for his optimistic outlook and ill-timed sense of humor, but he really had a knack for uncovering things Michelle intended to bury simply by asking unrelated questions…at the right time.

Michelle was in the middle of complaining about having too much time on her hands. Working two and three jobs to make ends meet was her norm, but so was barely getting by.  For the last few years she would plan to take time off work to officially research and launch her consulting business, but something always came up.  Needless to say, it was just a pretty basic pass-the-time-catching-up-with-your-parent type of conversation.

But Michelle couldn’t get Demetrius off the brain.

“Why fight something you really want?”

“I don’t know, Daddy, Meech just came out of nowhere,” she muttered.
“Wait.  I”m sorry, who?” he asked, after a five second pause.

Michelle turned up her face, puzzled by his question. “What do you mean who?” She popped up from the couch and squinted her eyes, crossing out their exchanges on an imaginary white board. Nothing came to mind. AT ALL! She mulled over it so much in that twenty second span that she forgot what they were talking about altogether!

The hairs on her arms stood up immediately as her short term memory kicked in and she realized she may have invited questions she didn’t really want to answer.

Maybe he didn’t hear that.

By now Carl’s quiet, almost inaudible, snicker had turned into a full on cackle. Judging by the time it took for him to inhale, Michelle knew her father was at the beginning stages of his cheeks turning beet red. Her dad always called himself a ‘Seeker of Truth’, but he could never hide his genuine elation when that truth came by accident. Imagine growing up in a house with a man who had a full on belly laugh EV-ER-Y time he discovered a lie. It was a very confusing as a kid. Do you laugh with him or do you run away from him?

Right now Michelle wanted to run away.

“You have someONE on your mind, baby?” he teased. “We were talking about work but you’re talking about a man. Who is Meech?”

Her heart dropped into her belly.  I even said his name?! she screamed in her head.  The last thing she wanted to do was give this old hound dog a scent to follow.  “Nobody,” she rushed out, knowing her effort was about to be in vain.

“Michelle Rae Bell, I know when you’re hiding something. Spill it or I’ll have to get your mother in on this.”

That was a threat that was not to be taken lightly.

Mae Bell is a woman who can find Waldo after three seconds of searching. A woman whose favorite past time was watching old episodes of Columbo and Matlock. She could’ve had a successful career as a detective or prosecutor if she didn’t choose to stay at home to raise her children. She was blessed (or cursed) with a gift of sniffing out a lie before the door was closed and would announce her findings to the entire neighborhood.

Michelle loved her mother, but Mae didn’t play about hidden things. Phantom pains began to shoot down Michelle’s leg as she thought about all the whoopins she received as a kid.

“Dad, pleeeeeeease just keep this between us right now!” she begged.

“Spill it,” he demanded playfully.

Michelle kicked her legs like an only child being told to share her toys. She didn’t want to tell anybody ANYTHING until she KNEW it was something to tell but if she didn’t give him any information she could expect an intense cross examination from the Mama Bear.  Daddy Bear was trustworthy.

She fessed up to how she met Demetrius and the way things developed from there. The more she talked, the more she couldn’t shut up about it.  Maybe she was holding it all in too long.

Michelle told about how they graduated from catching up just at night to talking and video calling throughout the day.  How, after discovering her favorite authors, he would leave notes filled with quotes hidden around her garden for her to find. She admitted to not wanting to like him but not being able to resist his subtle charm, or how his good morning texts made her light up.

Against her will.  Sometimes.

Things got really hectic for him at the police station and she called herself ‘giving him space’ while he sorted through it but hesitantly admitted to him that she missed talking to him for those few days.
Whenever  she felt overwhelmed with everything going on, whenever she would get frustrated with writing out a business plan, she could hear his laugh before he’d tell her to ‘Stop being a baby and do it.’ It annoyed her to listen to him say that almost as much as it annoyed her that his mere breathing on the phone brought her comfort.

“Daddy, right before I met him, I started dreaming again.” she admitted, “I don’t know what all this means,”

“Sounds like you’re in love, Chelle.” he admitted.  “What better thing to do in a world wide pandemic than to fall in love?”

“I really can’t take your jokes right now,” she rolled her eyes.

“What?!  All people have is time now.  Anyone can spend all the money they want on expensive dates and still never really get to know that person.  This man spent all of three dollars on some cards to get your attention and followed it up with a whole bunch of quality time. I wish I would’ve thought of that!”  Michelle couldn’t contain her burst of laughter at his pseudo anger.  “Shoot, I would’ve saved a whole lot of money trying to convince your mother I was a good for her.”

A few moments passed in silence. Michelle feigned a smile as Marcel’s bubbly self strolled by, on another adventure with his dinosaurs in tow. He paused just long enough to wink and tap an imaginary watch on his wrist before walking away.

Maybe the quarantine was getting to him.

While her dad became distracted with yelling for their dogs to stop fighting, Michelle curiously got up to check the time.  She clicked her tongue and shook her head when she understood what Mr. Smarty Pants was getting at.

A few weeks ago, Michelle was video chatting Demetrius while cooking dinner.  He sat at his dining room table as if she was really about to serve him a plate.  Marcel happened to walk by and show Demetrius a dinosaur that he knew and could talk about.  It had become a thing ever since.  Faithfully at 6:30 pm, ‘Mr. Meech’ would call and greet Michelle briefly before he and Marcel continued their conversation from the day before.  Marcel would light up like it was Christmas day.

Though she knew deep down there might be some truth to what her father was saying, she fought it still when it came to Marcel.  She didn’t know what she would do if ‘whatever this was’ didn’t workout.

“Baby listen,” Carl primed her. “He may not have come the way you imagined, he may not even look or talk the way you want him to, but it sure sounds like you two are more involved than you’re willing to admit to yourself. ”

“Daddy Bear…” she sighed.

It was all becoming too much to think about right now.  The whole world was a mess!  People were being hospitalized by the thousands, hundreds losing their lives to this stupid virus from hell, and she’s at home falling in love with a man she met randomly the morning of a blizzard?

How did she deserve that?

As if he could hear her internal conflict, Carl spoke up.  “Michelle, I need you to take some time to really figure out what’s on your heart.  He sounds like a good guy and you’re more than deserving of someone spending time currency on you.  Bring Marcel over for a few weeks so you can at least get a little break and finish your work.  I need the exercise anyway,” he laughed.  “But when the time comes, give him a chance.”

Plans were finalized before Michelle and Carl said their goodbyes.  Like clockwork, Demetrius called and Michelle laughed at the sight of his ‘action figures’ lined up in front of him on the table.

“Hey beautiful,” he beamed.  “You been alright?”

Michelle turned her face to smile, as if he couldn’t already see her blushing.  “Hey.”

“Before I talk business with Lil Man, I need to ask you something.”  Michelle’s eyes grew wide as she leaned on the kitchen counter, trying to anticipate his request.  “I just got approved for my furlough today.”

“That’s great! That means you can finish up your course with no distractions, right?”

“Kind of,” he hesitated.  “I mean, I get six weeks off but…I was wondering if I can spend some of that time with you.  Face to face.”  Michelle’s face went blank before she could fix it but she tried recovering with a nervous laugh.  “We’ll be six feet apart,” he assured her.

Demetrius flashed that signature smile of his and she grinned, shaking her head.  Michelle didn’t feel the jolt down her spine.  It was something different: butterflies in her belly.  Marcel rushed over and made sure his face was seen in the camera.  “I’ll call you later,” she promised.

As she relinquished her phone to her eager little boy, she couldn’t help but mumble…

Social distancing is stupid.

Waves

waves1

A snippet of a longer piece

To my husband…

I want to learn to swim in your thoughts.
To ride the current of your emotions
Even if it’s against the waves,
I want to learn to dive under the swells.
Reaching the faults that shift and cause the ripples
Floating on the crests of good times
Coasting through the troughs
I know sometimes it feels like tsunamis carry us to nowhere
But they can also push us to the edge of…soaring
I want to be your moon
A half one
Never full of myself
Guided by the light of the Son
So I can move you better

 

The Unexpected: A Quarantine Love Story Part 3

 

Day One- March 15, 2020

maskpic

You aren’t from around here are you? he recalled.

It took Michelle about a week to reach out, but she finally did to his surprise. There was no ‘Hello’ or ‘Can I speak to…” Right out the gate she came with the heat.

A straight shooter. She got to the point.

He liked that.

After he silenced his laughter, he did admit that he was raised in Maryland and traveled around in the military before settling in Detroit.  “Do I have an accent or something?”

“No,” she said dryly, “You just seem different.”

It felt like a chore getting her to open up about herself though she had a barrage of questions for him, which he answered, all honestly.  That seemed to put her mind somewhat at ease since they were still chatting.  Demetrius understood her reservations.  It’s not common to randomly meet someone on a snowy morning and strike up a conversation like they did. Or even having said stranger come back months later to shovel your snow.  Not in Detroit.  Not being a mom either.

Of all the people outside that morning, his attention was drawn to her.  He usually drove around her area toward the end of his shift to clear his mind, but it was hard to ignore a person bundled up like a bear, tripping through piles of snow in the wee hours of the morning.

The winter had been a mild one but he was really looking for an excuse to see her again.  He couldn’t really justify a reason either.  I was just something he felt like he had to do.  Seeing her the second time peeked his interest.  She had this quiet strength about her with a soft voice that beckoned him to listen.

Fine as all get out, too!

Her big brown eyes were the first thing he noticed…because her face was all covered up. But seeing her without her extra fifteen pounds of snow gear on gave him a much better picture of who she was.  When she smiled his mind went blank though.

This virus was really screwing up my flow, he thought

He had a few spots come to mind when she said she liked Italian food.  Giovanni’s was his favorite, mainly because they always gave him free food when he was in the area.  Perks of being a good cop.

For the past few weeks, he and Michelle would talk right after the start of his shift.  She said she didn’t mind the late night chatter while her son was sleeping.  Her forwardness was attractive.  Her humor was subtle and sarcastic at times, especially after she admitted to using him for ‘the stability of her own sanity’.

Listen, raising a boy who just wants to talk about bugs and dinosaurs and jump off of furniture is not good for my brain!

Demetrius remembered bothering his mom and dad at that age; firing off the thousand and one questions and ideas that flooded his mind. One time he put on his red cape, borrowed his mother’s glasses, put on his dad’s dress socks because they came up to his knees, and stood at the top of the basement stairs announcing his super powers.

At that age calculating important things, like the low ceiling that his dad often ducked under whenever he retrieved laundry, were often missed.  All he remembered was that feeling of flying right before a sudden jolt of pain shot through his forehead before everything went dark. By the time he came to, his mother was frantically yelling over him and his dad was just shaking his head, laughing.

The scar above his right eye serves as a constant reminder that it can be worth it to take risks, but make sure you count the costs involved.

Demetrius understood Michelle’s feelings. Boys are adventure seekers!

Whatever excuse she had, he didn’t mind at all.  The conversations were welcome. Usually on the quiet nights, he would listen to real estate podcasts or park his car to catch up on jotting down ideas. Eight years in the navy and nine as police officer started to feel like it was time to call it quits. There was nothing better than clocking in and going out to ‘save the world’ but after being shot twice and shootouts seemingly every other month, the job started to take it’s toll.

Detroit was changing and now it was time to take a different approach to being a hero. One that wouldn’t cause bodily harm.

His mother was no help, either. She was already overprotective since his dad was gone and his job didn’t help her sleep any better. Now every time he goes to visit she makes sure to call down Heaven before he leaves her house…and pray for grandchildren. As annoyed as he usually became by her requests for children he was in no position to have right now, her prayers were always a comfort to him.

All of it was too much to think about.  He just wanted to lay on a beach somewhere and go to sleep.

Lots of adjustments were being made and policies being changed overnight to accommodate the fact that people were asked to stay home. The air in the precinct grew thicker whenever there was a briefing with the police chief.

What’s next?!  It’s already known that any call the precinct gets could potentially go south, but now the added worry of people in his own department catching a killer virus? Every single shift? That type of uneasiness was something that was palpable. Even the most seasoned vets struggled to swallow their fear.

The seven year old Demetrius was still in there: selfless, determined, protective.  But grown Demetrius was well aware his limitations. That’s where Michelle started to creep in.  Their texts, or quick chats, was something he started to look forward to; keeping him grounded when his mind wanted to run wild.

They didn’t talk tonight though.  He wasn’t too bothered by it either.
It was a pretty hectic day for a lot of people.  Schools were closed.  Businesses shut down.  Sports cancelled.  You know it’s pretty serious when they cancel an WHOLE NBA season!

Lots of people were rushing in and out of every store imaginable to stock up on necessities. He was grateful for her suggestion to run out and grab toilet tissue a week ago because stores were all out of it today. The whole situation was starting to stress him out. His mother’s constant calls had him thinking of moving in with her just so she wouldn’t be alone.  Times like this made him wish his father was around, or have someone to hold close.

Demetrius scratched his chin and sighed, hoping he could shake off some of the pressure he was beginning to feel, but it didn’t help.
“I just need time to think,” he mumbled to the air in his car.

As he laid his head back to rest his eyes, he felt the vibration of his phone on his belt. It was Michelle. Demetrius halted the smile that crept over his lips as he sat straight up in his seat. Their talks usually stopped around midnight so he didn’t know what it meant for her to be calling him at four in the morning. “Hey, you good?” he answered.

There was rustling on her end for about five seconds.  It felt like an eternity before she responded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry for calling so late. Are you at work?”
“Yeah,” he said, more relieved that she was ok more than anything.  Easing back into his seat, a lazy grin found his lips.  So this is what she sounds like when she wakes up?    There was a smokiness to her voice that reminded him of Ella Fitzgerald.  His grandmother would always play her songs while she rocked him in her arms.  Ignoring the invitation to allow his thoughts to trail off, he quickly asked, “Why are you up?”

“Because of you,” she said clearing her throat. He could tell that she was still trying to shake the sleep off her voice.  She inhaled, “I really don’t know why, but I just have a strong urge to pray for you.”

Before Demetrius could respond, Michelle started. Naturally, out of respect, he closed his eyes but she prayed with a fervor and an authority that he just stared at the phone in amazement.  The more she went on the more free he felt a fondness for her. Other than his mother and grandmothers, no woman had petitioned so strongly for him.

She prayed a Cool-aid smile on his face.
“I really appreciate that,” he sighed. “It’s been really crazy lately and that couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” she yawned. “Please be safe, though.”

“Is that you showing that you care?” he teased.
“Good night Demetrius,” she laughed softly.

Demetrius sat up in his seat, feeling lighter, ready to finish his shift strong.

Love is like flying, huh?

It’s A Kiss

It’s a kiss that sets it off.
Removing the lid from an active volcano
Encouraging eruption
It’s a kiss that sparks the flame
Heart racing to spread the heat through the veins
Skin almost electric to the touch
It’s a kiss that sets the tone
Not a steady sprint to the finish
But a sensual playfulness that ascends to new levels
It is a kiss that opens the door to possibility
Encourages chivalry and submission
Education and acquisition
At the end of the day
A kiss shouldn’t be taken
But shared in hopes of forging a new beginning
It’s a kiss that seals the deal
The first one lets you know
The second just a reminder
The third brings concerns
A determination to never to let it go
Like air, you search for that familiar touch
That comfort and quiet confidence
That’s well worth the wait