My Kind of Therapy – Ch. 1.2

Chapter One: The Switch Pt. 2

Carlton

Reese and I went back to college ball — same team, same grind, different positions. He was one of the best point guards I’d ever played with, but more than that, he was the kind of guy who stuck with you long after the season ended.

Over the years, we’d talked about everything: injuries, business moves, life off the court. Relationships too. Reese had a way of listening without judging, which made him easy to be real with.

So when I told him I needed a different therapist, I knew he’d hear me out.

“Everything okay?” he asked, leaning back in his chair. “Michelle’s solid. She’s got a great reputation already, and my clients love her.”

“I know.”

“You mad at her?”

“No.”

“You trying to get under my skin?”

I laughed. “No.”

“It’s me,” I said, running a hand over my face. “She’s great. Amazing even. And I like her — more than I should if I’m trying to keep this professional.”

Reese gave a low chuckle. “You’ve been on her schedule for six months, man. You just noticing?”

I smirked. “Nah. I knew early on. But I’ve been careful. Thing is…I don’t want to be careful anymore. You know she yelled at me last week?”

Reese reached for the fax that just came through, shaking his head. “You probably deserved it.”

“It was a tough week. My contract is up for negotiation. I actually told her what was going on.”

“And…” Reese prodded.

“She sat there and listened. Then she prayed for me.”

That made him pause. His pen tapped against the desk, and he gave me a look that cut deeper than words. “She did what?”

“Prayed for me,” I repeated, leaning back. “Not some quick little ‘hope it works out’ either. She meant it. Like she wanted to cover me. I’ve never had a woman do that for me, Reese. Not once.”

He let out a low whistle, shaking his head. “That explains it.”

“Yeah,” I said, my voice quieter. “And if I’m being real…I think she likes me too. Not just as her client. I see it in the way she looks at me sometimes. The way she remembers the little things I say. She doesn’t push past it, but it’s there. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t notice.”

Reese leaned back, studying me with that long pause that only a friend of years can hold. “CJ, that’s not something you just brush off.”

“Exactly. And that’s why I can’t sit in there, week after week, pretending I don’t feel what I feel. She’s not just helping get me back on the court. She’s reaching places I don’t usually let people touch and I don’t even know how that happened. I can’t cross that line while she’s working on me. She doesn’t deserve that mess, and you don’t either.”

He nodded slowly, reading between the lines. “Alright. I’ll make the switch. But you know she’s gonna notice.”

“That’s the idea,” I said, leaning back with a quiet smile.

My son called me out!

All I could do was smile and shake my head. It was something I saw coming for a while, I just didn’t expect TODAY to be the day.

Like…literally. This just happened two hours ago. [Note: It is now a week ago since I forgot to post this]

The reason why I am writing about it two hours later is because I thought I was just a personal tap on the hand and I could write it in my journal. But the more I wrote it down, the more God revealed that this is something someone else needs to hear.

So here we go…

I’m a single parent. Have been for a while. Now I had to say that, not to loathe about the fact that I have been single now for nine years, eight months, three weeks, six days and counting. No. That’s not it at all (blank stare), but it’s so you can have a little background 🙂

His dad had just arrived to pick him up for a few hours and I had just opened the door. As I was instructing my son on some last minute chores, he spoke very casually.

“Hey Mom, I’ve noticed something about you. Whenever my dad comes to get me, or you see him or something, you get really serious. Like you stop smiling.”

Well…in the moment I stopped smiling. I felt caught.

My child, who can walk by all his toys on the floor and professionally ignore the dishes in the sink, noticed something I wasn’t fully aware that I do?? Ok.

Since his dad was at the door, I told him we’d pick the conversation back up at a different time. He left and I thought that was the end of it. But it wasn’t. It started to bother me.

Now I had questions and I knew I had to dig for answers. So here’s what I got:

First of all, and most important, I don’t want my ex.

It’s more about me missing my kid. Yes, I am that mom so get over it. As much as I know I need a break sometimes, I do miss my Beloved when he’s away. Deep down, there’s a comparison thing happening but there is not comparison between a mother and father. They are both necessary and unique.

Second thing: It’s a reminder for me to forgive.

It tears a piece of my heart when I hear my son express how he misses his dad because I know this is not the way God intended things to be. Whether it’s because of a divorce or in my case, two unmarried people having a child, it was never God’s intention for children to be raised by a single parent or in a split household.
Sometimes guilt tries to creep in. Other days tears are my only expression. Either way, I have to trust God like never before. I have to choose grace and love when accusations and disagreements try to surface. As a believer, it is my responsibility to walk as God is directing me regardless of where the other parent is in his walk to God. As much as I can get upset about certain things, there was a time when I wasn’t following God or care to follow Him. It’s not my place to sit as judge but to stand as an equal receiver of grace and love.

Lastly, it let’s me see fatherhood up close.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where a lot of adults don’t have a good picture of fatherhood because of a distant or absent parent. Mines was the latter. I had men in my life since I was a little girl, but none who poured into me as a father would. I walked around with hurts that weren’t dealt with because I blamed my absent dad and the men in my life for not giving me what I thought I needed. Truth is, they were dealing with their own voids and, in the case of my dad, he wasn’t absent by choice but manipulation and force.

I get to see what a ‘dad’ does with a kid. Of course all dads are different and express in their unique ways but seeing it up close is a different experience for me.

It reminds me of my mother standing in the delivery room with me when I was giving birth to my Beloved. She stood at the end of the table, where my left were spread wide, and watched my son come down the birthing canal. She didn’t flinch. She was in complete awe. It was something she hadn’t experienced in her two pregnancies because she had c-sections.

As irritated as I was (mainly because I was in pain and on drugs), I let her have her moment.

Most people go through life not even considering where someone else is coming from. They don’t give it a second thought. It’s not a matter of selfishness as much as it is a matter of ignorance.

People just don’t know. Especially now-a-days with a whole pandemic happening and different mandates keeping people away from one another.

There are so many conversations that need to be had. If we take the time to be open hearted and give a listening ear, so much healing can take place in our families and communities. Forgiveness is key, though.

Be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you

Ephesians 4:32

This was a more personal blog today, but I pray that healing takes place in your heart. If you know someone who is in need of this, please share. I really enjoy reading the testimonies and words of encouragement.

Love you,

Crystal

Let Go

I trembled

Looking down at my raw wrists and blood stains

Almost choking on a sharp inhale

I let go

Finally.

The fear weighed down my right hand

While my left was bound with regret

I dragged them both toward my destiny

But they dug into my skin

The small steps didn’t hurt as much

Then came the leaps of faith

I tripped from the entanglement

I cried but to no avail

I wondered why I couldn’t get ahead

Took a knee to talk to Him

As I brought my hands up to my chest

They were busy

While my left was bound with regret

Fear weighed down my right hand

Finally.

I let go

Almost choking on a sharp inhale

Looking down at my raw wrists and blood stains

I trembled

Finally free